So here I am, writing for the first time in a long time on my blog. It’s been a while. I struggle with writing out loud / for the internet, because it will possibly be read by the people I write about.
This is fine. It’s a fine struggle to have, because it means I care about the people around me and how they are presented on the internet. My kid – struggles with pooping on the toilet. My husband – cranky and grumpy too often. My other kid – so adorable that she just won’t get into too much trouble because she smiles and I have to fight to enforce discipline with her.
We live with my uncle-in-law, who is a mess. he’s diabetic, blind, and in a wheelchair. He’s had three insulin reactions in the past month. Pretty stressful. This is probably very insensitive to actual disabled persons, but it took me a long time to realize that he wasn’t living up to my expectations of a disabled person because he doesn’t have compensating superpowers. Daredevil – blind with great hearing. Professor X – in a wheelchair but with extraordinary brain power. Anyway, if my uncle has a superpower, it’s depression, or grumpiness, or surviving despite it all.
There’s this desire in me to record what I’m dealing with for posterity. My thoughts are so important! I used to think I was extraordinary. I don’t think that anymore. My experience is just ordinary, but the ordinary has value as well. Digging deep into the ordinary has its own rewards – a life well lived, a family well built, a home made with love. Introspection FTW!
One of the things I’ve been in struggle with my whole life is body image and shame, and my body’s size. I’m ready to give this up. I’m ready to accept my body for what it is, as well as thanking it for being in my life and doing what it’s supposed to do. I think this struggle has been aided and abetted by several cultural forces, not the least of which is the multi-billion advertising industry. Buying clothes is always better when you hate yourself. It’s just something I’m sick of carrying around, like the extra weight I have. I’m tired of carrying it around. So I’m going to set it down and see what happens.
Which brings me to the reasons I need to go to the gym, and the reasons why I’m not going:
- Meh. I don’t wanna.
- I don’t want to drag my kids anywhere and the hubs is busy doing stuff.
- I need to clean my house and do piles of laundry.
- I just want to rest and relax.
Pretty lame excuses, right? Putting them down on paper, I mean the internet, is helping me see them for what they are: flimsy ways to stay the same, which is a place I don’t necessarily like.
I’m reading this book, Triggers, which is about how adults can change their lives / habits / selves. We all have goals, but how do we get there? Or in my case, wishes: I wish some fairy magic could go poof! and I would lose about 50 pounds. That would be awesome. I’ve weighed that in the past: I worked out three times a week. I enjoyed it. It was karate – it was awesome. Now I have knee problems and a gym membership. Anyway. I need to just go do it. That’s all. More reading will help, no doubt.
That’s all for today. Hope you are having a good Saturday, full of rest and relaxation and deep, galvanizing thoughts.