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wish dream wish

so last night I fell asleep sort of chanting in my head while breathing (I wish greg peace…  I wish greg peace)  greg is my brother that I’m sort of in a fight with.  I do wish peace for him:  inner peace.  peace with me.  peace instead of anger and fear…  I do, indeed, want him to be happy.  I would also prefer him as some sort of model/fantasy older brother:  

(begin sidenote:  Dean WInchester lovers, I’m not tihnking of you.  SImon Tam lovers, I am sort of thinking of you.  but I wanna rescue myself.  I was just thinking of the commentary on the pilot where Joss says something like, "yeah – refreshing.  adult brother and sisters who don’t wanna kill each other."  something like that.  end sidenote)

but perhaps like a "real" family:  scrap that.  I wanna live in la-la land.  where every body gets along.  (they must be sedated somehow in la-la land…  hmmm…)

so I woke up this morning with a dream.  my two older brothers and I were in a house somewhere…  I think it might have been/stood for the old house in Lincoln Nebraska.  anyway.  I was sort of picking up and cleaning – I might have been moving out – and I saw a dead two-tailed rat.  on the floor in the foyer of the house.  there were spots of blood in places.  I called to my brothers to clean it up (no way was my dream-self going to touch the dead rat.)  and eventually, one of them looked up from the television and did it. 

there was more to the dream than this, I think, but …

hello symbol-enthusiasts:  A DEAD TWO-TAILED RAT.  cause he ratted on me.  and I ratted on him.  

and we’re kind of dead to each other.  also in dreams, something "dead" can symbolize a part of ourselves that’s dying, and will emerge later as sometihng new.  for you birth-death-rebirth enthusiasts, when something dead shows up in dreams, it means/it’s likely that the dreamer is passing in between the "something has died" phase and may be moving into the "in between the old and the new" phase, which can be particularly painful.  the spaces between breaths…

I’m not sure what all this means, what is symbolizes for me and my brother.  I do earnestly wish him peace.  he’s a good husband, a good father.  just not a good brother.

maybe there’s too much water under the bridge…  maybe there’s no bridge.  just water.  who knows.

a two tailed dead rat.  man. 

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