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being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique!

ctually…  normally I’m lovely.

so.  the massage from the Universe today was:

Relax. Breathe in deep. Hold it. Let it out. Loosen your shoulders. Smile. Close your eyes. And anna , you’ll be surprised at how many voices you’ll hear, whispering sweet encouragement into your ear.

 

Kissey, kissey, you can do it –
The Universe

yesterday was kind of hard with teary-eyed angstyness…    I’m at this conference all week.  it’s a worship and arts conference.  (shout Jubilate people who carried me through yesterday.  I’m really grateful.)   LOVELY people, talented people…  trying to incorporate the arts into worship – it’s ecumenical.  and it kind of reminds me of the best parts of seminary:  kind people.  singing lively music.  drumming.  good sermons.  thoughtful worship.  me wondering what the hell “christianity/christianities” is all about.  and the christ-dude:  who is that guy?

the conference center is a Catholic conference center just sort of outside of town.  Catholic;  built in the 1950’s, obviously. (how Frank Lloyd Wright destroyed architecture, by anna!)   the nuns WEAR WIMPLES.  and HABITS.  (for those of you who don’t know what a wimple is – picture someone like in a Vermeer painting…  the thing that’s on her head?  a wimple.)
www.theatre.ubc.ca/dress_decor/images/Med_dress/early%20med/wimple.jpg  15th/16th/17th century common dress.  why does it feel like religion is 3-4 centuries behind everybody else?  oh.  cause the nuns are wearing WIMPLES.  gah!

I may or may not ever feel fully comfortable with the eucharist.  I think some of the “Christ died for you” language is off-putting for me…  ummm…  yeah.  I need a different atonement theory!  because I don’t believe in a easily-angered, bloodthirsty, father god.  or eating the son-god.  (nyagh!)

anybody remember The Color Purple?  When I met Alice Walker, (she was sitting at a table), I got down on my knees, grabbed her hands, and thanked her for giving god back to me.  she was kind about it.  I needed that gift so much.

“what does god do when god gets angry?

“oh, she just make somethin else, beautiful…”

I think I also was crying as well.  when I talked with Alice Walker.

in addition to crying a lot yesterday I mean.

I had kind of a moment with Sam – I asked him to stay at his place for a couple of days.

I do need some space – and I am putting myself under a lot of pressure:  to find another job;  to get enough work hours in so that I can reach my goal of 1700 hours so that I may get my education award.  find another job.  preferably AmeriCorps.

Sam took it badly.  I’m pretty sure he doesn’t handle conflict well.  He might also think I’ve broken up with him.  He wouldn’t answer my calls last night.  I only called twice.  I have PRIDE.  (where do the prejudice and zombies come in again?)  I only left one message though.

anyways…

sometimes I think he’s a little childish.  my roommate pretty much doesn’t like him.  (because of some of his behaviors.)

MEH.

I must breathe deep and bring joy today.  and joy is not a burden at all.

5 thoughts on “being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique!”

  1. *hugs* Sometimes you just need some space, he is immatuure if he’s going to sulk about that! Let him come to you, you don’t need him stressing you out too.

    . I think some of the “Christ died for you” language is off-putting for me… ummm… yeah.

    Yeah, see the problem i have with that sort of statement is it feels like emotional blackmail. Guilt you then convince you where your own morals lie. Hmmm sounds like a man….lol

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    1. thanks. you’re absolutely right: I do need some space. it just feels like such a “DRAMA” to ask for it. and it shouldn’t. he shouldn’t get all butt-hurt because I want some time alone… anyway.

      indeed – the christ died for you language is kind of off-putting for me now – like, “ummm…. shouldn’t he have asked first if that’s what I wanted???”

      I mean… ummm… one must have these kind of awkward conversations with one’s diety: “hokay! this is what I *really* need. not this other dying for me stuff…”

      thanks for the hugs. 😛

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  2. you’d think I could handle such fashion gear, coming from double roman catholic stock. but I LOST MY SHIT when we were gutting flood-ravaged homes in Iowa last summer.

    because the only people staying in that town were apostolics. they just completed the textbook movie bible of horror classics: you have abandoned farmhouses bleached and damaged by the floodwaters with snakes living in the funiture surrounded by miles of corn. then you have STRAIGHT OUTTA SILENT HILL chicks with big fat buns and long skirts.

    and then we would go home at night to an abandoned looney bin slash prison where the water was reddish brown and tasted like blood and WATCH Silent Hill. GAH.

    I am soooooooooooooooooo glad I’m an atheist and therefore my fashion challenges are my own responsibility.

    sad that you have trouble with the boy. good luck in the last phase of AmeriCorps: the OMZGOMGOMGOMG what am I going TO DO?!?

    (I vote more AmeriCorps! I miss it, so bad.)

    I guess I have to return to real life now. boo.

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    1. WIMPLE!

      yeah. I do wonder about those kinds of experiences you’ve had: maybe I’m not cut out for that sort of “chainsaw with disaster relief” kind of thing.

      I hate horror movies.

      I get too scared.

      and yes. you said it sister: the OMZGOMGOMGOMG what am I going TO DO?!?

      things with sam will settle or they won’t.

      he was just being sucha damn drama queen. (and that’s MY job, jk.)

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      1. I loooove your zombie rosie icon!

        and yes, yes that IS your job. I am so sick of these needy guys that buck all the stereotypes in the worst possible way. people think I’m joking but I do NOT HAVE TIME to walk and water and feed and play with a boyfriend.

        meh.

        I’m avoiding reality right now with the computer. I gotta go get on this ‘real life’ business… but I’m afraid to go outside. we have rain coming. because we never get rain, if we get a quarter of an inch we have massive see-the-guy-on-cnn-get-helicopter-rescued-from-the-top-of-his-uhaul kinda flooding.

        and really, that guy was from Vegas. that was during AmeriCorps 2.0 and I was watching the news going “hey, that looks like the Charleston underpass! OMG THAT IS THE CHARLESTON UNDERPASS!!!”

        Like

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