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hi from the beyond….

There can only be a need for forgiveness, anna , when first there is blame.

And there can only be blame, when first there is misunderstanding.

Kung fu, The Universe

ummm…  kinda offline for a week or so…  then blammo!  here I am again.

things are progressing with S.  he’s kinda growing on me.  as far as men go, he’s kind.  he’s calm (which is huge.)  I feel really comfortable around him.  he thinks I’m sexy and says so.  (really?  neat!)  he likes me.   I don’t want it to be like relationships I’ve had in the past, where I’ve kind of went along with it, because the other person "likes me!"  and then I wind up wondering how I feel about him, and just going along because I feel "worthy, chosen." f*ck that noise.  I don’t need external validation that way – like I used to. 

but it’s really nice to be ilked, to have someon around who wants to have sex with me.  I know, right?  wierd….  (I kinda wanna have sex with him too…  I know, right?  wierd…)

apologies to my roommate, for the awkward naked bits the other night…  (*shuffles feet*)

ahem!  we got the cable and the wireless hooked up at home, so I can cruise LJ in my non-working hours, which will be nice.  because I’m interested in saving my job.

work is still stressful.  I don’t know if I’ll be here next year, I do want another americorps position.  my term ends in august, and I should REALLY start revising my resume and posting on job boards, especially if I’m not going to be renewed here at the ecumenical newspaper.  I’ve been thinking about my job a lot lately.  how much I want a job.  even a "voluntary simplicity vow kind of lifestyle" kind of job.  I’m over-qualified for half the jobs I’d apply for, underqualified for the other half.  (ahhh…  master’s degrees:  one small step towards a phd.  if you want one.  if you dont, you’re over qualified…)  I do like my job.  I suppose I could work harder.  I suppose I could communicate more clearly.  goof off less.  I got into a cycle:  poor evaluation numbers, lower interest in job, poor evals next cycle.  all while managing to get some shit done.

and there has been a breakdown of communications for a while now.  maybe for months.  boss fails to communicate PRECISE deadlines, expectations.  I deal with murky deadlines/expectations, do kind of a half-ass job, until boss says, "didn’t you know?  that project was due last week/tomorrow/this friday?"

I panic (or experience mild to severe annoyance), work at it for a few hours, get it done.  turn it in. 

lather, rinse, repeat.  

lather, rinse, repeat. 

thinking about my brother.  about sending him another card, saying, DUDEWTF?  this is a year + 3 months grudge, which included the silent treatment at A FUCKING FUNERAL.  O RLY?  you really are that petty and cowardly?  cause, in my mind, this whole incident has been filled with cowardice on his part.  I think, however, the words I would use are as follows, "I’m sorry that you’re continuing to block me out of your life.  I think of you and pray for you often.  I’m still not sorry for what I did.  I certainly am sorry that you are making this continuing choice.  but oh well."  or perhaps sometihng a little more eloquent.  like dudewtf?  o rly?

my nephew’s birthday is the 16th of june.  guess that’s why this is coming up. 

maybe I shouldn’t care.

lather, rinse, repeat.

yes.  I’ll quit whinging.  there’s just a lot on my mind today. 

blessings, nanner

4 thoughts on “hi from the beyond….”

  1. “voluntary simplicity vow kind of lifestyle”

    aaaaaahahahaha. I embraced that (and uuCYF.org) when I was unemployed. I would love to live in a co-op, both the polished urban model found in the bay area AND/OR the 70s relic in the Vermont backcountry.

    that was what’s behind my REDUCE POSSESSIONS kick. I still haven’t accomplished that, which is sad. I’ve been done with AmeriCorps for over 5 months and I haven’t finished more than a handful of projects. Sure, I completely remodeled my sister’s house. Yay. But I haven’t even gotten around to successfully cleaning my bathroom. (I need caulk remover and possibly a sledgehammer).

    Meh. good going with this whole boy/work/life/ahrg thing! you’ll need it

    Like

    1. thanks for the luck. yeah, cause… I will need it.

      I don’t really feel a whole LOT of pressure from S, but a different friend, me, and S were hanging out at my house on monday, and different friend kinda picked a fight and then walked out. it was wierd. still haven’t heard back from him.

      must dash. had lunch at a convent yesterday. wierd. I’m so glad I’m not a catholic anymore. I just don’t know where I am, though. those nuns, though? they rule the world from their quiet, beautiful, restful home. little old ladies: who knew?

      🙂

      I’ve wanted to live in a coop as well – intentional community, communal meals. chore schedules. we’ll see. 🙂

      I would love to watch you remodel your bathroom. from a safe distance. e.g. not anywhere near swinging distance of said sledgehammer. bathrooms are hard to remodel: they’re cramped sometimes, and there’s usually horrible wallpaper involved. caulk remover? hermmm… I did not know such a thing existed. usually, when caulk needs to be replaced, it just peels off… eww… I know…

      hardware store? I think you can do it! hell, if all else fails, you can take your chainsaw to it. start REALLY over… 🙂

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      1. man. I had hoped to completely rip out the shower stall in the master bath and make a tiled, ah, thing-y instead. I did something similar in New Orleans, tiling a giant communal bathroom and we just sorta made a curb thing to keep water from spilling out into the main bathroom floor. Shower curtain made of FEMA roof tarps and VOILA!

        but there is that NO MONEY thing. so my best hope now is to clean up the existing stall and see if a fresh coat of grout and sealer will stop the visible leak at the baseboard. wah.

        I also paid like, OUT THE ASS to have the bathrooms and my mom’s room get linoleum flooring professionally installed. And no joke–it’s about a year old and it looks AWFUL. They smeared caulk, which means dirt gets trapped in it. It also appears to be dirty even when it’s clean… almost like you can see the cement floor through it? It’s crazy.

        When I move back to Vegas for good, I will put my mom up in a hotel room for a week and I will install tile flooring right over all this mess. Meh.

        and this friend C? to your A and S’s B? It sounds like j-e-l-i-z-y. relationships are SO complicated! even between friends. I am kinda sick of people blowing up on me–I’m sorry you’re stressed/sick/in a bad relationship–take it out on someone else. because it makes ME feel like shit.

        man. and just think, as a minister, you would be dealing with this crap ALL THE TIME. ahahahaha.

        OMG I just went to get a link to my AMAZING minister from college’s podcasts, and it turns out he was arrested for protesting prop 8 the other day! haha! how kick ass. I’m really proud of him, even if he does have 5 kids at home to think of. LMAO.

        Like

      2. SORRY. lemme splain: SAM, (“S”) is the new boy-crush. he’s very sweet. I likey. it’s going really well. MICHAEL (“other boy”) is another friend, and when michale, sam and I were spending time on monday (I invited sam over, and michael kinda invited himself over – which would usually be fine…) michael was being kind of an argumentative jerk. I had a spat with michael, which is normal, we made up, which is also normal, and then he kinda up and left. sam was all “huh? please don’t hurt me!”

        and then we watched some movies and had some personal time. which was NICE.

        sorry to cause you confusion. things are well. I’m in a good relationship with sam. michael is being immature (as usual) and other than that, life is chipper!

        well.

        I hate bad grouting in bathrooms! I really do. I’m sorry you are having sub-standard bathroom experiences. It will be very wonderful when you can remodel – especially since you know how to do these sorts of things.

        maybe that could be your second job through grad school!

        hope you’re well, anna

        Like

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